Reweaving

The Last thing I wrote on my First post(link) about this was

All this has been one hell of a shock, it has really changed the way I think about people, about myself, about prejudice, privilege, power, its really made me think about the way I relate to other people with different oppressions from mine.

And it has been a shock, It has changed what the world looks like for me, how I move, through it, what I need from it, and it has changed the way, people look at me, interact with me, think about me
and something that really shocks me is I never ever thought about this before

I grew up with a really disabled parent so if you’d have asked me I’d have said I was aware of disability issues, that I knew what it was like to be disabled, that I understood the experiences of disabled people, that I knew what disabled people needed, that I was inclusive of disabled people
And it comes down to me now, that this was crap, yes I probably did know more about living with certain disabilities than a lot of people but I never knew what it was really like until I became disabled myself.

And this spans out into my life, into my interactions with other women, It really makes me realize how privileged I am as a white middle class cisgendered woman who was previously able bodied, There were things I didn’t have to think about, didn’t have to negotiate and so never thought deeply, honestly about how much energy it took other women who weren’t me to negotiate the world.

And its this, That I’m never going to be a woman of colour, I’m never gong to be a trans woman I’m never going to be any other woman, never going to know what its like to be them, even if they are my friends, family, lovers, I am always going to have a blind spot, so I need to be aware of this, to know that its there and do everything I can to lessen it, to negate it, to not decide what they need, because that is always going to be deciding what they need from my perspective not theirs.

And it is not okay for me to speak for them, Its important that I support other women who aren’t me in creating spaces where they can speak for themselves, but i cant speak for them

And I need to remember that being inclusive is not going “lets organise this thing and if people who aren’t us feel welcome they can come along” its making sure that it is organised in such a way that everyone feels welcome from the off.

And it has spurred me to read more by women that aren’t me, to listen more to women that aren’t me, because while I don’t think that blind spot can be got rid of I have a duty to lessen it, to make my feminism, my activism, my life, about not just women like me

I have something or several things wrong with my legs, it hasn’t been exactly clarified what yet, but the symptoms are pain in the joints of my feet, knees and ankles and cramping and spasming in my leg muscles, the pain has been increasing for about four years now and it has got to the point that I need a mobility aid of some sort if i want to go any distance or go anywhere that would usually involve standing up/queuing/waiting

And it kind of struck me what an absolute pain in the arse the whole thing, is, not actually being disabled, i can mostly deal with that (thought I’d like not to wake up with such bad leg cramps that they make me cry like they did last night thanks) but living in a world that wasn’t made for me, that ignores me or patronises me.

I went for a drink with some friends the other day and as I was taking my wheelchair for the first time we couldn’t go to any of our usual haunts because none of them are wheelchair accessible. and seriously I spent quite a long time online looking for somewhere we could go, I did find a list of wheelchair accessible pubs in the centre of Cardiff but half of them don’t have wheelchair accessible toilets, what is even the point of that? so wheelchair users can go there as long as they don’t need the loo!

Often I’ve found wheelchair accessible toilets are used as storage space anyway so its actually really hard to manoeuvre a wheelchair in there, I went to one pub in which the sanitary disposal bin was way out of arms length from the toilet, while this isn’t an issue for me because when I, infrequently, have a period, I use a moon cup, but what the hell is a woman who uses disposable sanitary protection supposed to do? personal I’d just flush it and not give a shit if it clogs the pipes but that’s not the point the point is theres a kind of “look at us and our accessibility, but we cant actually be bothered to think about what you need” mentality there. Getting into the same pub was pretty much impossible because there was enough of a step for me not to be able to wheel up it, a passer by had to help me.

Sometimes being obviously disabled turns me invisible, twice I’ve been on a train with my crutches and no seat and no one offered me their seat, and sometimes something about just being visibly disabled just pisses people of, they get this really defiant blank look on their faces, like I’m demanding something of them just by my presence.

Once I get fit enough in my arms using a manual wheelchair will actually be much, much easier for me than using crutches, because even with crutches I still have leg pain, but also because with crutches i cant hold anything, carry, anything, pick anything up, and maneuvering with crutches, for reasons to do with my spacial awareness and coordination issues, is actually more difficult for me than maneuvering a wheelchair

but apart from wheelchairs being harder to get into places many able bodied people seem to have an idea of a hierarchy of disability which has nothing to do with the disability itself but with the things you use to deal with the disability, using crutches seems to be seen as making me less disabled than me using a wheelchair, when actually the disabilities the same but I’m actually more able (or will be once I’ve increased the muscle strength and stamina in my arms) with my wheelchair

And then there are the times I am tacked on as an afterthought, by people who should know better, by people who are supposed to be on my side, people who are supposed to be fighting privileges, oppressions, power structures, tacked on as a “oh well if its accessible for you, you can come along” and that really fucking sucks, I am not by and large expecting the world to be on my side but I was expecting people who were supposed to be on my side to actually be on my side

All this has been one hell of a shock, it has really changed the way I think about people, about myself, about prejudice, privilege, power, its really made me think about the way I relate to other people with different oppressions from mine.

1) I had to buy some new clothes for my partners cousins civil partnership ceremony, I qued up to use the fitting rooms, My partner was standing right next to me holding the pile of clothes as I couldn’t hold them and use my crutches, my partner is obviously male so it was clear he wasn’t waiting to use the woman’s fitting rooms. but the woman organising the fitting rooms spent ages faffing around putting clothes away before she got to me, then as she handed me one of those cards with the number of items on it she said “oh I didn’t realise you were waiting, I was going to ask you to move”

What? why would I have been in the que if I didn’t want to use the fitting rooms, why would my partner be standing beside me with a pile of clothes?

Do disabled women not go shopping? not buy new clothes?

2)After the civil partnership ceremony drinks were served, all the other adults were handed alcoholic drinks, i was handed lemon aid because clearly disabled women cant hold their alcohol

3) My partners sister wanted to take a picture of my partner and myself and told me to move my crutches out the way so they wouldn’t be in the picture, although this seems quite minor this is probably the instance that upset/disturbed me the most. If I’m using my crutches on any given day its because I either have a lot of pain or because walking without them is hard/impossible. Having them out of arms length makes me feel incredibly vulnerable and helpless.

Also being asked to hide them seems to be giving me a signal that i should be ashamed of them and ashamed of my disability