Reweaving

Probably most people have seen something about the I was raped t shirt and lots of women have written about it.

Lots of people think it’s a great idea, and something all rape victims should take part in and I think if someone finds that to be a healing empowering experience then all power to them, but I personally hate the idea, I hate the idea that the first thing a stranger will see about me is that I’m a rape victim, some of this is about shame but it isn’t all, there are lots of parts of my identity that I wouldn’t want emblazoned across a tee shirt, If I wear a tee-shirt saying “I was raped” (or “I am asthmatic” or “I am adopted”, “I am bisexual” or even “I love my dog”) then people are going to assume that that is the defining thing about me, about my identity, that being a rape victim is all I am, that it is the centre of myself. And that is so far from what I want, so far from empowering for me, rape and its after-effects are a thread running through my life but it is not all I am, it is not something I want people I hardly know to focus on

Outside of the internet and away from people I trust I am quite an emotionally closed and reserved person so there are lots of things I am not comfortable telling strangers or even acquaintances and my history of rape is one of them

If I make the fact I am a rape victim the defining thing about my self, my life then the rapists have won, the patriarchy has won.

And I hate the “yay this is awesome! we should all wear one!” cheerleading that I’ve seen, we all heal and deal in different ways and I don’t like the insinuations that If I don’t want to wear one of these then its because of shame or because I’m not dealing with my experiences of rape in the feminist approved way

I’ve been neglecting the Internet of late, well not exactly neglecting it, I spend hours on it avoiding my life, I just neglect the bits where i could make connections, write and read stuff that matters

and It comes to me that I’m angry, I’m angry about so so many things both personal and political, but I don’t deal with anger, i swallow it down, literally I swallow it, I eat when I’m angry, and not good healthy life/body fueling food either, but crap, sugar and preservative laden crap,  and i drink caffeinated fizzy drinks, gallons of it, which I know is bad for me, the anger turns inwards as it always has done and I sabotage my body, my health, my life, my time, my relationships.

and I’m angry at so many things, I’m angry at the state of feminism, either complete apathy or the increasingly poisonous hypocritical siege mentality of the internet “radfems” and that although i have massive issues with them there is heartbreak at realising that they don’t want me, that they are edging me out because I am the wrong sort of feminist.

I’m angry that the only faith community I can currently access is full of whackjobs many of whom are anti everything I stand for and I don’t know what to do about that because I need a faith community but I also need people who accept me as i am without me hiding or lying about who I am, on a wider level I am angry that the message of Jesus has got so perverted that myself and people like me are seen as unacceptable. I also have major issues with much of christian theology generally but that’s a whole nother post.

I’m angry abut my family situation, that I was adopted by a pair of abusive fuckwits, because they were seen to be the epitome of middle class respectibility, that I needed to be adopted in the first place that society damaged my mother and grandmother so much that they were incapable of bonding, that my parents were so poor that my father went to prison for theft when trying to feed his family, that the holocaust damage my paternal grandmother so badly that she passed that damage down to my father and made him incapable of bonding with his children.

I’m angry that I have been so wounded by this patriarchal capitalist society that it broke my brain, that the after effects of rape and abuse will be with me for ever and make my life much harder than it would have been otherwise. that very possible my infertility issues are caused by the body trauma of these events, and while mostly I am okay about being infertile sometimes it does hurt and it does make me angry.

I’m angry that I live in an increasingly crippled body, which is no ones fault and something I need to learn to be at peace with but the fact that society ignores my needs is someones fault and it pisses me off.

My anger boils over till it freezes, till I am turned to stone, indeed petrified, cannot move, cannot act for fear of blowing a hole in the roof of the world, and what I want to do with my life gets abandoned in case the anger seeps through into it

I went through a phase about  five years ago where I learnt to channel my anger into an incredibly powerful healing force that really propelled me forward in my development but somewhere along the way (probably at uni, when I was working extremely hard to appear “normal”) I squashed it back down, sat on it,made it taboo again, but when I was acknowledging that anger, dealing with it, utilising it, that was the time in my life when I was my calmest, healthiest, most creative

I want to read more, I want to read and write poetry, I want to grow vegetables, I love cooking, I want to go swimming, I want to develop a deep meditation/prayer life, i want to learn to utilise my body in ways that work for me personally, I want to develop a more healthy sexuality, I want to do more practical political activism

One of the things about my anger is somewhere inside I think i have a thing going on that still thinks life should be about fairness, like the people who did the things to cause the anger should fix my life which is clearly ridiculous. It doesn’t matter who broke it or why it broke, no one is going to fix it for me, I have to deal with the anger and fix it the best I can myself.

One of the biggest and most annoying myths about feminists is that we hate men, that man hating is integral to feminism and feminists, Now , its true I am not a big fan of men, I have very few men in my life, I generally prioritise women over men, I prioritise working for women’s rights over men’s rights and there are very few men I am comfortable with or ever want to be in close proximity to but to say I hate men is wrong, I have hated individual men and I hate patriarchy but that doesn’t conflate to hating all men or thinking all men should be annihilated. and I don’t think most feminists hate men, but really? When a woman who calls herself a feminist writes this

Yes, the boys are mad. Their minds have gone completely around the bend and they’re totally off their rockers. They are raping and killing women and children at will now. The more they get away with it, the more powerful and emboldened they will feel and become. At this point, they might as well just declare open hunting season on women. In fact, I think they already have.

Men got where they are by being the most murderous motherfuckers in the history of the planet.

Despite the evidence all around them, many women still remain in denial and refuse to see how much men hate them. I fear for these women. Kissing men’s ass is not going to save their own.

The good news is, the dragon is dying. Masculinist societies historically do not survive. They self implode and reach the logical conclusion of self destruction. But as the dragon dies, he becomes more dangerous than ever. Men want their sex class, their slaves and their free labor and they will destroy the entire planet before they will ever allow women to be equal, must less, liberated or free. So be prepared. Things are going to get a lot worse before they get better.

The burning times are upon us again. Men have declared war on women and we are in the midst of a holocaust. Still, people refuse to see. History is repeating itself. The Jews, too, refused to see or believe. Until it was too late.

The good news is, men will not survive. This is a female planet and Mother Nature has grown tired of the boys’ and their fuckery. Males have been scheduled for termination and extinction. Which includes human males. Males in several species have already disappeared. The Y chromosome in human males continues to progressively degenerate. Until finally it will eventually go *poof.* Trans can take it up with Mother Nature. Somehow tho, I don’t think she’ll be impressed. Have a Y chromosome? Bye, bye.

Hmmm… I wonder if we can somehow speed this process up?

P.S. HIV/Aids is virtually non-existent among the Lesbian population. There isn’t a single case on record of a lesbian transmitting the disease to another lesbian through sexual contact. It was labeled a “gay disease” because it was epidemic among gay males. It is males who sexually spread the HIV virus and are primarily responsible for most other STDs, like the HPV virus (which causes cervical cancer in women). Men are walking viruses.

So warning: Having sex with men may be hazardous to your health. Protect yourself. Become a lesbian.

From where I am there is so much wrong with this comment I hardly know where to start

Yes, the boys are mad. Their minds have gone completely around the bend and they’re totally off their rockers. They are raping and killing women and children at will now

The men who hurt women do not hurt them because they are mad, they do it because they are angry (or indifferent) and entitled, to accuse men who hurt others of having a mental illness is abelist against people with actual mental illness who in contradiction to current mythology are more likely to be victims of violence rather than perpetrators

Masculinist societies historically do not survive

Surely if we take the long view societies do not survive?

The burning times are upon us again. Men have declared war on women and we are in the midst of a holocaust. Still, people refuse to see. History is repeating itself. The Jews, too, refused to see or believe. Until it was too late.

Wait what? It’s the Jews fault that the holocaust happened? Yeah heard that before just not from a feminist. As a third generation holocaust survivor I am less than impressed. And as a woman who has been the victim of male violence not impressed with the implication that I should have seen it coming either.

It was labeled a “gay disease” because it was epidemic among gay males. It is males who sexually spread the HIV virus and are primarily responsible for most other STDs, like the HPV virus (which causes cervical cancer in women). Men are walking viruses.

Wow that’s original and progressive, blaming gay men for aids! In our next instalment we explain how breast cancer is women’s fault for not having babies!

And I’m not even going there with the junk science and the transphobia

But the thing I really wanted to pick up on was the violent hatred of all men, everywhere, Men are not the problem, patriarchy and men who buy into patriarchy are the problem. Luckynkl proves here that the wish to control and exterminate large chunks of humanity is not something only men do.

Also on a global level patriarchal capitalism kills men too, through war, poverty, and lack of healthcare to name just a few. In lots of ways western women are far more privileged than men in the developing world, and in some cases partake in kinds of violence against them (such as supporting companies that support totalitarian regimes.)

On a personal level I have some men (okay two) in my life who refuse and resist patriarchy, who are not violent, who are not porn users, who do not see women as unequal, who do not expect sex, who are not part of the war against women, I’m sure other women know similar men, these men may very well be in the minority but they are there, which kind of proves that men do not have to be the way patriarchy says they have to be (and personally as a feminist I always thought this was one of the things we are fighting for, not the elimination of men but the elimination of patriarchy.)

I don’t say this often in feminist spaces but I will say that the man who is now my partner saved me. Not in a “I’m a better person than I would have been otherwise” Kind of way but in a “I would be dead now otherwise” kind of way. And I know this isn’t fashionable to talk about in feminist spaces, but he is my solace, he accepts me just as I am and soothes my wounds, He is the first person I ever met who loved me unconditionally.
So yes I know that not all men buy into what patriarchy says men have to be (this is not at all the same as saying they don’t benefit from male privilege BTW)

And on a political level there are men’s organisations that are working to end violence against women such as The white ribbon campaign I don’t work politically with men’s groups because for the most part I choose not to work politically with men, but I think its important that those groups are there and I think that its important that women are working with them and in no way see that as

Kissing men’s ass

One of the things that really disturbed me about this comment was that no one else refuted it on the comment thread. This may be because they didn’t feel it was apropriate because of the original post (which is horrifying and made me go cold with anger) but I haven’t seen it refuted on any radical feminist blogs either (I found it through belldame222)

And it just makes me feel that if someone who considers herself a radical feminist feels like its okay to say that and other people who consider themselves radical feminist don’t say anything to show they disagree with that, its no wonder the mainstream thinks feminists hate men.

This project, this reweaving thing scares me, I have always loved passionately but stepped lightly, being ready to leave when things got too dangerous, too complicated, I left things behind, important things, I jettisoned parts of myself as a barter for my survival. and I have to go back for the bits I dropped, that I still miss, that I still need, that make me me.

I came to adulthood, to coherence, to an understanding of social rules late, after a traumatic adolescence and early twenties that included abandonment incest rape prostitution homelessness and psychiatry. Learning to be linear adult is an important trick that helps me move through the world with an aura of protection, of camouflage but I’m not willing for that to be all I am. I lived with multiple personalities for a long time and since integration I am learning to rejoin, to reweave myselfs, to become neither several people nor one totally linear person but a many faceted crystal.

And this is about honouring the edges, the flimsy boundary lines that enabled me to survive,  that yes my articulateness and intelligence  are part of who I am but so is the girl with solid concrete street smarts under love me look after me eyes. She is the girl that SURVIVED and has so much to teach me.

and this is about connecting all I am, my politics, spirituality, sexuality ,creativity, intellect, sense of self

and it wont come easy, I think by doing this I will loose people, people that really matter to me but people who are so tied to the “cause” that they forget that people are real and vulnerable and messy and beautiful and that I am one of those people and that I can’t stand and watch as other people who cross edges and boundary lines for their survival are abandoned and belittled

And this will be intense rambling, thoughtful, angry, heartbroken, joyful, grateful, wondering, questioning, searching, accusing, but most o all it will be honest.

I don’t know if anyone is reading this, and really this is about seeking and finding my voice but  if you are I would like to know who you are and how you got here

1) I had to buy some new clothes for my partners cousins civil partnership ceremony, I qued up to use the fitting rooms, My partner was standing right next to me holding the pile of clothes as I couldn’t hold them and use my crutches, my partner is obviously male so it was clear he wasn’t waiting to use the woman’s fitting rooms. but the woman organising the fitting rooms spent ages faffing around putting clothes away before she got to me, then as she handed me one of those cards with the number of items on it she said “oh I didn’t realise you were waiting, I was going to ask you to move”

What? why would I have been in the que if I didn’t want to use the fitting rooms, why would my partner be standing beside me with a pile of clothes?

Do disabled women not go shopping? not buy new clothes?

2)After the civil partnership ceremony drinks were served, all the other adults were handed alcoholic drinks, i was handed lemon aid because clearly disabled women cant hold their alcohol

3) My partners sister wanted to take a picture of my partner and myself and told me to move my crutches out the way so they wouldn’t be in the picture, although this seems quite minor this is probably the instance that upset/disturbed me the most. If I’m using my crutches on any given day its because I either have a lot of pain or because walking without them is hard/impossible. Having them out of arms length makes me feel incredibly vulnerable and helpless.

Also being asked to hide them seems to be giving me a signal that i should be ashamed of them and ashamed of my disability

But Mary stood weeping outside the tomb. As she wept, she bent over to look* into the tomb; and she saw two angels in white, sitting where the body of Jesus had been lying, one at the head and the other at the feet. They said to her, ‘Woman, why are you weeping?’ She said to them, ‘They have taken away my Lord, and I do not know where they have laid him.’ When she had said this, she turned round and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not know that it was Jesus. Jesus said to her, ‘Woman, why are you weeping? For whom are you looking?’ Supposing him to be the gardener, she said to him, ‘Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have laid him, and I will take him away.’ Jesus said to her, ‘Mary!’ She turned and said to him in Hebrew, ‘Rabbouni!’ (which means Teacher)..

I went to church on easter sunday for the first time in a long time and the above pasage was part of the reading and the part I bolded really spoke to me. firstly the “Woman why are you weeping” really speaks to me. it feels not like an acusation but a comfort, a permission to greive.

The christianity I grew up in was savage the jesus in it was unregognisable from the jesus I belive in. the jesus of the gospels was a compasionate, thoughtfull, social activist who was always supporting and rooting for the opressesd and when I am thinking about that or reading mainstream christian literature that is at odds with that I often feel

They have taken away my Lord, and I do not know where they have laid him

What did they do with the man who loved women, tax colectors, protitutes, the disabled, the poor? they westernised him, sanitised him turned him into a middle class, mysognistic conservative. I do not know where they have laid him, he will never be where they say he is.

I want the real deal, I want the jesus who spoke truth to power. I want the jesus who gave a shit about hurting people, I want the jesus who came to teach us how to love.

And once again I find myself crossing boundaries, weaving together my feminism and my Christianity despite criticism and rejection from both sides. Christians are often opposed to feminism because they buy into the idea that women are there to serve men, they read the bible uncritically, it doesn’t occur to them that maybe Paul was wrong, they don’t know christian history and that actually women have been a really important part of the church forever not just as supporting characters but as priests theologians and mystics.

and mainstream feminism is very anti religion (except maybe for certain types of paganism) it tells me that all religious people are misogynistic, are anti women, and its true many are, but so are many doctors, and lawyers, and socialists and journalists. it doesnt take into account that actually most women in the world have some sort of religious affiliation, it doesn’t take into account that religion can be a liberating force, supporting and comforting feminists when they are working at the sharp end, it doesn’t take into account that people are messy and beautiful and the need for god(esses) comes from the same place as sexuality/sensuality and creativity,
Both sides tell lies and uphold stereotypes about each other often without ever having had a dialogue with those on the other “side”

I know sticking true to myself, to my principles, to my belief that both my progressive Christianity and my radical feminism are intrinsic essential parts of myself will be exhausting because of the misunderstanding and hostility I will receive from both Christians and feminists,